Langley Falls plans to build a huge football stadium. Stan learns that the construction will require an old tree to be torn down—a tree Stan claims is his father. To save it, Stan must face off against Roger, who stands to make a fortune by paving the stadium’s massive parking lot.
In his continuing quest to touch a boob, Steve decides to try to earn a letter jacket by joining the school’s water polo team. When his initial attempt fails, he enlists Klaus’ help to make the squad, and soon becomes the team’s star player. Meanwhile, Stan and Roger buy a sailboat and become “boat guys,” but soon discover it’s not as glamorous as they thought it would be.
When everyone in the family agrees that eighteen-year-old Haley is a downer, she wonders what happened to her as a child that changed her from “Happy Haley.” She visits a hypnotherapy doctor, who is really Roger in another of his alter-egos, and ends up regressing back to her six-year-old self. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends buy a slow cooker and try to make the perfect pork.
Stan is having problems with his computer at work and takes Steve to the CIA offices to fix it for him. After feeling slighted for not being “CIA material,” Steve is approached by the CIA’s nerdy arch rivals - the NSA - who convince him to help them spy on Stan in order to bring down his father’s beloved Agency. Meanwhile, when committed vegetarian Haley accidentally eats meat, she realizes she still loves the taste, and Roger convinces her to resume being a carnivore for one day of the year... but she takes the adventure a little too far.
Stan discovers his blood pressure is dangerously high and concludes his home life is to blame. Thinking time at the beach will help him relax he takes an assignment to infiltrate the local surf community to bring down a gang of renegade surfers. He enjoys the assignment and the relaxation so much that even after the gang turns out to be harmless, Stan takes action to ensure he can continue hanging out with them. Meanwhile, back at the Smith home, Jeff and Haley have a pregnancy scare, Steve befriends a homeless drifter, and Roger tries to get FIFA to host the next World Cup in the Smith’s back yard.
After Steve and Snot are humiliated at a “cool kids” party, they decide to throw a party of their own and only invite other unpopular kids. When they do, they start to experience their own popularity, but soon learn that becoming popular could radically alter their futures, leaving Steve faced with a difficult decision. Meanwhile, when Roger and Haley dine out, he takes it personally when the waitress compliments her order but not his.
When Stan buys Francine Washington Nationals’ season tickets for her birthday – a gift clearly meant more for him than for her – she is upset. As he starts to worry that they have nothing in common, the situation goes from bad to worse when the couple cannot even manage a proper kiss for the stadium’s ‘Kiss Cam,’ and Stan sets out to make things right between them. Meanwhile, Roger resumes the previously discarded persona of Nevada politician Burt Jarvis after his constituents begin to get sick from poisonous drinking water, and Steve convinces him he needs to stop whoever is responsible for contaminating the water supply
Stan is excited when he is put in charge of the CIA’s number one fundraiser, the annual calendar. He hires Haley to be his assistant, but she has ulterior motives for taking the job. Meanwhile, Roger decides to go to college, but his plans get derailed when on his first day he gets a new “Discovery” credit card and becomes obsessed with charging enough to earn a jacket branded with the card’s logo.
Steve is selling chocolate for his school’s charity drive, but after Roger eats the whole box without paying, Steve accuses him of being selfish. Later, when Steve is accused of stealing from the charity, he gets put in the “At-Risk” class comprised of the school’s worst troublemakers, and Roger shows up posing as a new teacher in order to disprove Steve’s assertion. Meanwhile, Stan takes up residence in a retirement home.
Steve is selling chocolate for his school’s charity drive, but after Roger eats the whole box without paying, Steve accuses him of being selfish. Later, when Steve is accused of stealing from the charity, he gets put in the “At-Risk” class comprised of the school’s worst troublemakers, and Roger shows up posing as a new teacher in order to disprove Steve’s assertion. Meanwhile, Stan takes up residence in a retirement home.
After local news anchorman Greg and his longtime boyfriend and co-anchor Terry split up, Francine tries to help Greg find a new partner. But when she agrees to fill in as Greg’s temporary co-anchor on the nightly news she soon becomes blinded by her own success. Meanwhile, when Roger plays an old board game called “Dream Phone,” he becomes obsessed with one of the game’s “Dreamboys” and sets out to meet the real life model the fictional character is based on.
After Roger meets Meredith, the most interesting woman in Langley Falls, he struggles to create a new, more fabulous persona. When he fails, Francine suggests the dejected alien embark on a journey of self discovery, which doesn’t go exactly as planned. Meanwhile, when Stan and the others overdo their CrossFit workout they are too sore to move, and Klaus takes advantage of the situation to throw himself a party.
With Stan away on a mission, Roger convinces Francine to play the “Widow Game,” which entails the two of them posing as widows in order to gain sympathy and free stuff. Francine’s carefree fun turns to worry when she starts to seriously contemplate how she’d survive if Stan really were to die. Meanwhile, Steve and his friends stage wrestling matches in the basement, but things get out of hand when an uninvited participant shows up; and Roger embarks on a career as a marketing executive.
When Francine finds Steve and his friends LARP-ing (Live-Action-Role-Playing) a sci-fi fantasy in a local dog park, she joins in the game and discovers she’s more accepted and comfortable among the nerds than at her own home and starts spending more time with her son's friends, which Steve hates. Meanwhile, when Stan installs a shark aquarium in the kitchen he needs to find a way to pay for the additional expense, so Roger convinces him to turn the house into "OceanLand," a SeaWorld knock-off.
When Stan tries to teach Steve respect for the Bible, he decides to go through the good book with his son, story by story. But Stan’s plan backfires as Steve constantly points out legitimate flaws in the logic of the stories, which in turn causes Stan to lose his faith, and plunges him into a depression which even Roger can’t shake him out of. Steve is tasked with helping get the “old” Stan back and succeeds, but perhaps too well, as Stan comes to believe he is a modern day Noah and leads the family on a trip to find his Ark.
As life on Stan’s “Ark” continues, everyone except Roger is growing weary of their time at sea, but the Smiths’ lives go from bad to worse when the ship sinks. After abandoning ship, Stan and Francine find themselves marooned on a desert island where they re-discover each other; Jeff and Haley are rescued by a U.S. Navy ship, which inspires him to try to make a much needed change; and Steve drifts in his lifeboat with Roger’s alter-ego, survivalist “Buck Wett-Nap.”
With a 2-on- 2 basketball tournament approaching, Roger’s alter-ego of local basketball legend “Billy Jesusworth” gets injured and is unable to compete at his usual level. Stan reluctantly invites him to play with his league of "old heads," but his act of kindness backfires when Roger steals away Stan’s tournament partner. Meanwhile, Steve sings the tale of his day at school, which includes getting caught hiding in the girls’ locker room, and the adventures that ensue.
When Stan discovers a salt deposit beneath the ground in the family’s backyard, he tries to sell the valuable find to the Gordon Salt Company. Stan’s plans hit a snag when it’s discovered that he signed the backyard’s mining rights over to Steve years ago, and now, Steve refuses to sell... leading the others to try and change his mind for their own personal gain.
It’s President’s Day, and Stan drags Haley out for what has become their traditional holiday visit to a presidential museum – a tradition Haley hates. This year it’s the President Garfield museum. The history lesson takes an unexpected turn when Stan steals some of Garfield’s DNA samples from the museum and “Jurassic-Park”’s the dead president back to life. Meanwhile, Steve has joined the school’s newspaper and every story he writes reads like soft-core pornography, which raises his profile, and the paper’s circulation.
The CIA’s office holiday party comes to a swift end when one of the agents neglects to bring a gift for the Evil Santa grab-bag, leaving Bullock empty handed and furious. Bullock assigns Stan to the case, but when his investigation hits a dead end – because he’s the guilty party – Stan enlists the help of Roger’s alter-ego, detective “Ace Crouton,” to help him lay the blame elsewhere. Meanwhile, Steve tries a new tact to win over the girls... being a gentleman. The ploy has mixed results, but leads to a profitable new venture.
Stan tries to bond with Steve but it proves to be a difficult task because they have nothing in common, until he discovers that his son is a naturally good bowler. However, after a Father-Son tournament, Steve is approached by a former pro-bowler who says Stan is a terrible coach, and offers to coach the boy himself. Stan is forced to simply be supportive of his son, which is easier said than done… until they find a new activity over which to bond. Meanwhile, Roger and Haley compete to see who has the worse attention span.
In order to avoid being sent on a suicide mission, Stan learns how to become a DJ to beat Bullock in a DJ battle. Jeff takes up drinking psychadelic teas and Roger helps him.
